The Girl Who Didn't Try

I am fat. I am now actually fat.

When I sit down in my school skirt, which just so happens to sit on my waist, my lower abdomen just strains against it angrily and this huge excess of flab just spills over the top. It's actually getting hard to breathe.

When I wear sleeveless shirts, my arms seem just so wrestler-like. I even have the shoulders and the posture of one as well. It's this disgusting mixture of muscle and fat. My thighs are chunky almost like leg hams, I kid you not. I do not lie or exaggerate.

And then there are these people who say I look fit. I am muscular. I look powerful, solid. But an athletic figure? Really? I think the befitting word would be fat.

I just forced/not forced myself to have lunch. The minute I took the food from the canteen vendor, I swear to God my heart started palpitating. This voice started going off in my head and I felt cold all over. It's amazing what I put myself through. It's a living emotional AND physical hellhole. I want to stop now. I am so scared. I am so scared I can't.

I used to have this iron will and this drive to be thin but I don't know where it's went! Why is binging becoming so inevitable, when I don't even taste what I eat? I even lie just so I can eat. It's pathetic and disgusting, and when my stomach turns itself inside out, when I just cannot eat anymore but I just keep shovelling shit down my throat, it actually makes me cry. But I just cannot (will not?) stop.

I can't even make myself throw up anymore. Sometimes I wish I'd get some horrible bacterial infection or an illness of some sort just so I can get skinny with it. This is such a horrible, offensive thing to say but my thoughts are too loud and pointed to keep to myself sometimes.

I wonder if a support group (knotsinme@gmail.com) of some kind will help at this time. I'm more of the lone wolf when it comes to my eating and weight issues. But desperation is a funny thing.

Anything now. Anything for success.

I hope I get things right on track soon, because I fear that it may never...

(This is so hard to say, so hypocritical)

Stay strong always,
Anna-Marie.