Pleasurable Pain

My stomach hurts. I just had a mini-binge. But even then I am somewhat still a little proud of myself. I had all the makings of a huge huge binge but somehow I just didn't feel like it. How awesome is that!?

I had a little bit of pasta, 2 nasty subway cookies, an apple with a tablespoon of peanut butter and half a small bowl of cereal. All in all I'm looking at less than a thousand calories?

I just weighed myself and at a mere 0.5 kg weight gain after binge. I'm quite satisfied though a little disgruntled. I hope my willpower bucks up. I'm looking at a 2 day fast followed by a break and another 2 day fast.

Anyway, here's my three things a day list. Everyday I give up three things new. (:

Things to give up:
- Cookies or biscuits of any kind
- Peanut butter
- Foods with adzuki bean in them

EDIT//

I have embarked on a 4-day fast which started approximately 10 minutes ago. It shall end Sunday, 28th March 8.30pm. Originally I was supposed to meet a long-forgotten friend this Friday for a meal. I was going to take advantage of that and turn it into some kind of disgusting bingefest but now I think about it. Sacrifice is the key to getting what you want. This is also my Lent offering, a sort of penance for my being so bad lately.

Mild Adaptations

So I just had my height and weight taken. I'm 165cm and 51kg. Apparently I've been deceiving myself using my home weighing scale because this morning I was 50kg and a 1kg fluctuation is just a little absurd. There go my targets and goals I suppose... I shall change them later. ):

Scaling Glass Towers

I couldn't resist my mother's cooking. I just couldn't. I had the chance to just dump the entire thing in the bin but I didn't. On hindsight, I would have. I would have taken a few bites, spat that out and then thrown it all out.

Prior to dinner I was 50.2kg now I am 51kg. I just don't know what to say. Also tomorrow, is height and weight day in school. Fucking brilliant.

Anyway, I think my body just reacts negatively to substantial food of any kind. Last night after a horrid Western meal, which wasn't even worth its caloric value, I weighed 50.4kg. When I got home today after school, with nothing in my stomach but a Coke Zero (again, I should kick the habit), I still weighed 50.4kg.

):<

Trappings

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

After downing some strange jelly-like dessert my mom made, I am now 50.7kg.

Welcome to my vicious cycle. These depressing things, often related to weight, lead me to binge which in turn makes me gain weight which leads me to blindly binge which cause more stretch marks, a painfully distended belly and a sense of deeply oppressive, almost suicidal sense of guilt.

You get the picture?

My trigger is often brought upon me by myself. I am my inner demon. ):

Cokehead

So I didn't have the PB&J sandwich in the end.

I ended up cramming my mouth with those lime mints instead and tried as hard as possible to ignore all heeds and calls from my friends trying to get me to partake in their eating, Macdonald's ordering and snuffling down off greasy, greasy, greasy potato chips (you have no idea how much I wanted them). In fact I have been subsisting on these lime mints, Coca Cola Zero and black coffee since Thursday till not too long ago when I decided to have my black coffee with an Alpen 62-calories energy bar and a little cherry apple which I am approximating to be at around 55 calories. It made me balloon up 0.3 kg.

What is with that?!

On a seperate note, I think that going without food instills weird cravings in you. I have always hated carbonated drinks of any kind and I found myself consuming 3 cans of the stuff in under 24 hours. I have to kick that before it becomes a habit though. My mom will flip if she finds out. She is a health nut and a very skinny one at that. In fact she is somewhere between a US Size 0 - 2. How sick is that. It makes me feel like such a genetic failure sometimes.

But I guess I shouldn't be complaining too much. I was 50kg this morning opposed to a hefty 53.6 on Thursday. A 3.6kg weight loss in 3 days should call for some sort of elated celebration I suppose. But not just yet...

No eating for me tomorrow and Tuesday as there'll be some form of weight and height measurement in school some time early this week. I hope I'll be hovering around 49kg after that quick fast. I couldn't bear being 50kg and above in front of anybody, ugh! I'm trying to not eat as much as possible this whole week in fact. There's probably going to be some sort of feasting with my friends on Friday so I really should be losing as much as I can before my willpower buckles at it's knees like I know it will and I end up ballooning up to 55kg or something. (This has happened before, it was ugly.)

Wish me luck! I'm going to be needing it. (:

XOXO,
Anna-Marie

Taste Tempt Test

I was thinking of rewarding myself with a PB&J sandwich. I mean they really are awesome. From the way the deep indigo that is thick jam chunky with blueberries comes together with the smooth nuttiness of the salty butter to how the smell of it is just so intoxicating. Oh god. The simple pleasures of life indeed can sometimes be so sinfully irresistible.