Pleasurable Pain

My stomach hurts. I just had a mini-binge. But even then I am somewhat still a little proud of myself. I had all the makings of a huge huge binge but somehow I just didn't feel like it. How awesome is that!?

I had a little bit of pasta, 2 nasty subway cookies, an apple with a tablespoon of peanut butter and half a small bowl of cereal. All in all I'm looking at less than a thousand calories?

I just weighed myself and at a mere 0.5 kg weight gain after binge. I'm quite satisfied though a little disgruntled. I hope my willpower bucks up. I'm looking at a 2 day fast followed by a break and another 2 day fast.

Anyway, here's my three things a day list. Everyday I give up three things new. (:

Things to give up:
- Cookies or biscuits of any kind
- Peanut butter
- Foods with adzuki bean in them

EDIT//

I have embarked on a 4-day fast which started approximately 10 minutes ago. It shall end Sunday, 28th March 8.30pm. Originally I was supposed to meet a long-forgotten friend this Friday for a meal. I was going to take advantage of that and turn it into some kind of disgusting bingefest but now I think about it. Sacrifice is the key to getting what you want. This is also my Lent offering, a sort of penance for my being so bad lately.

Mild Adaptations

So I just had my height and weight taken. I'm 165cm and 51kg. Apparently I've been deceiving myself using my home weighing scale because this morning I was 50kg and a 1kg fluctuation is just a little absurd. There go my targets and goals I suppose... I shall change them later. ):

Scaling Glass Towers

I couldn't resist my mother's cooking. I just couldn't. I had the chance to just dump the entire thing in the bin but I didn't. On hindsight, I would have. I would have taken a few bites, spat that out and then thrown it all out.

Prior to dinner I was 50.2kg now I am 51kg. I just don't know what to say. Also tomorrow, is height and weight day in school. Fucking brilliant.

Anyway, I think my body just reacts negatively to substantial food of any kind. Last night after a horrid Western meal, which wasn't even worth its caloric value, I weighed 50.4kg. When I got home today after school, with nothing in my stomach but a Coke Zero (again, I should kick the habit), I still weighed 50.4kg.

):<

Trappings

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

After downing some strange jelly-like dessert my mom made, I am now 50.7kg.

Welcome to my vicious cycle. These depressing things, often related to weight, lead me to binge which in turn makes me gain weight which leads me to blindly binge which cause more stretch marks, a painfully distended belly and a sense of deeply oppressive, almost suicidal sense of guilt.

You get the picture?

My trigger is often brought upon me by myself. I am my inner demon. ):

Cokehead

So I didn't have the PB&J sandwich in the end.

I ended up cramming my mouth with those lime mints instead and tried as hard as possible to ignore all heeds and calls from my friends trying to get me to partake in their eating, Macdonald's ordering and snuffling down off greasy, greasy, greasy potato chips (you have no idea how much I wanted them). In fact I have been subsisting on these lime mints, Coca Cola Zero and black coffee since Thursday till not too long ago when I decided to have my black coffee with an Alpen 62-calories energy bar and a little cherry apple which I am approximating to be at around 55 calories. It made me balloon up 0.3 kg.

What is with that?!

On a seperate note, I think that going without food instills weird cravings in you. I have always hated carbonated drinks of any kind and I found myself consuming 3 cans of the stuff in under 24 hours. I have to kick that before it becomes a habit though. My mom will flip if she finds out. She is a health nut and a very skinny one at that. In fact she is somewhere between a US Size 0 - 2. How sick is that. It makes me feel like such a genetic failure sometimes.

But I guess I shouldn't be complaining too much. I was 50kg this morning opposed to a hefty 53.6 on Thursday. A 3.6kg weight loss in 3 days should call for some sort of elated celebration I suppose. But not just yet...

No eating for me tomorrow and Tuesday as there'll be some form of weight and height measurement in school some time early this week. I hope I'll be hovering around 49kg after that quick fast. I couldn't bear being 50kg and above in front of anybody, ugh! I'm trying to not eat as much as possible this whole week in fact. There's probably going to be some sort of feasting with my friends on Friday so I really should be losing as much as I can before my willpower buckles at it's knees like I know it will and I end up ballooning up to 55kg or something. (This has happened before, it was ugly.)

Wish me luck! I'm going to be needing it. (:

XOXO,
Anna-Marie

Taste Tempt Test

I was thinking of rewarding myself with a PB&J sandwich. I mean they really are awesome. From the way the deep indigo that is thick jam chunky with blueberries comes together with the smooth nuttiness of the salty butter to how the smell of it is just so intoxicating. Oh god. The simple pleasures of life indeed can sometimes be so sinfully irresistible.

Fresh Like A Daisy

Right now, I am chewing on lime mints and contemplating. I am in a calmer state of mind now. I am thinking about what I'm going to do the next few days and so far the only thing that could get in the way is most likely, myself.

At 1130am this afternoon, I decided on starting my 3-day fast. Thursday-Saturday, seems like a pretty good start. I've never gotten past 1.5 days which is really a testament to what a pussy I am. But I really hope to see this through. I know by experience that there won't be that much of a drastic weight loss but right now I just really want to probe to myself that I'm not as weak. Not as easily swayed into the pleasures of the flesh.

It is the season of Lent. This should be a good, almost divine start to a new me. Food has after all always been my weakness and abstinence is key to a pure state of mind. Maybe it could help me clear my thoughts too. Help me refocus my efforts and energies a bit. Help me be who I want to be.

Who I want to be... That's a tough one. But either way I think being thin is a good start. I know that losing weight and looking better might not necessarily make me happier or drastically change my life. Turn it into the American dream. Turn me into something gorgeous and perfect. But it is a start...

XOXO,
anna-marie

The Girl Who Didn't Try

I am fat. I am now actually fat.

When I sit down in my school skirt, which just so happens to sit on my waist, my lower abdomen just strains against it angrily and this huge excess of flab just spills over the top. It's actually getting hard to breathe.

When I wear sleeveless shirts, my arms seem just so wrestler-like. I even have the shoulders and the posture of one as well. It's this disgusting mixture of muscle and fat. My thighs are chunky almost like leg hams, I kid you not. I do not lie or exaggerate.

And then there are these people who say I look fit. I am muscular. I look powerful, solid. But an athletic figure? Really? I think the befitting word would be fat.

I just forced/not forced myself to have lunch. The minute I took the food from the canteen vendor, I swear to God my heart started palpitating. This voice started going off in my head and I felt cold all over. It's amazing what I put myself through. It's a living emotional AND physical hellhole. I want to stop now. I am so scared. I am so scared I can't.

I used to have this iron will and this drive to be thin but I don't know where it's went! Why is binging becoming so inevitable, when I don't even taste what I eat? I even lie just so I can eat. It's pathetic and disgusting, and when my stomach turns itself inside out, when I just cannot eat anymore but I just keep shovelling shit down my throat, it actually makes me cry. But I just cannot (will not?) stop.

I can't even make myself throw up anymore. Sometimes I wish I'd get some horrible bacterial infection or an illness of some sort just so I can get skinny with it. This is such a horrible, offensive thing to say but my thoughts are too loud and pointed to keep to myself sometimes.

I wonder if a support group (knotsinme@gmail.com) of some kind will help at this time. I'm more of the lone wolf when it comes to my eating and weight issues. But desperation is a funny thing.

Anything now. Anything for success.

I hope I get things right on track soon, because I fear that it may never...

(This is so hard to say, so hypocritical)

Stay strong always,
Anna-Marie.